Apprehension

This is an entirely different type of post. Enjoy.

Also, before you read, know that I completely understand that the second I have Noah, all of my feelings may change.

Having a baby was obviously not a decision we took lightly. There are still things that I want to do that I thought would come before having a child, because society states that they need to be done prior to starting a family. In the end, I realized that's not true at all. I want to go back to school, I want to travel with Simon, and I want to just always be willing to try new things. There's no reason this can't be done with a child. Once I realized that, I came to understand that having a child would not "end" me, Simon, or our life together.

I didn't want to have a kid just to have a kid. I wanted to have a child with Simon, plain and simple, to embark on this incredible journey with an incredible person. When I look at my tummy, I don't think about how cute he is, or how much I'm going to love him (I know I will. Don't worry.) I think about how I am carrying an extension of my husband and I. Half of this person's DNA is my husband. That is more miraculous than just his little body and his little lips and his little hands.

 

"Don't marry a man unless you would be

proud to have a son exactly like him."

This sticks with me so much. I consider myself extremely lucky that I truly want Noah to be like Simon in every single way possible. I don't think a lot of women share my sentiment regarding their children's fathers. Maybe I'm crazy, though.

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Alright so that's the first half. The second half is about how truly terrified I am to be taking on the biggest responsibility of my life.

I don't think I'll be The World's Best Mom. Women will not look at me and think, "How does she do it?" Not because it's completely unattainable, but because I have no interest in giving up everything about me for my children. I think the most effective parents are parents that still take time for themselves as well. What do we teach our children when we let our bodies go, stop doing things for ourselves, and give up every ounce of our soul? That it's ok, but I don't think it is. I'm not saying I'm not going to take care of my children, but I have every intention of working, going to the gym, and buying clothes for myself. I can't believe that some women stop buying clothes for themselves.

Therefore, I'm scared. I'm absolutely terrified to be a mom. I am not the "mom" type, but I am loving, caring and would do anything for the well-being of my child, just as I would be for any member of my family. Did you know some women try to speed up the onset of labor? I'm so excited to give birth, but I can't imagine wanting to purposefully get myself closer to it. It's going to happen in the next few weeks anyways, and it's so easy to just take care of him while he's inside of me. I've never taken care of a newborn, so I'm terrified that I'm not going to do it very well. What if he gets diaper rash, or he can't latch correctly, or he gets an upset stomach? I want him to be full and happy and healthy every day of his life, but that doesn't happen for anyone.

Or what about crawling, walking, and talking? What if I'm a horrible teacher? And what happens when he starts evolving into a young man? How do you teach someone the difference between what's right and wrong, or what's right and what's easy? How do you become the adult that they know they should listen to? Do you just try to set a good example and hope for the best? That's too big of a responsibility to rely on hope alone. This is a human being. I have created a human that I need to raise to become the best human possible. It's too much to think about all at once.

I've rambled long enough, so let's just take it day by day. <3

36 week appt

Alright, small update here, because I had my 36 week appointment today!

I haven't gained any weight, so they didn't annoy me about that for the first time since my 1st trimester. Small win :)

Usually they don't do a cervical check until 38 weeks, but I had felt some contractions, so she went ahead with it. She was able to feel that he was head down (YAY), I am 1 cm dilated, and 50% effaced. The effacement is really great, especially with first time moms. It hints to less medical interventions (like induction), and easier ones if I still need some specific ones anyways. In addition, she mentioned that I probably will not go past my due date. Definitely the biggest win of the day.

I met with Christina afterwards, and she was very pleased to hear all of this. I have the highest hopes for a natural labor, but I will understand if something goes wrong, and I end up needing to explore other options.

I have a 38 week and a 40 week appointment left, but hopefully I just need the 38 week appointment and then go into labor. Or if I could just go into labor now, that'd be appreciated. It is a full moon tonight, after all. ;)

Kristin

36

Not quite at 36 weeks, but it's only two days away, so I figured I was safe to post a pretty accurate picture. The PUPP's is as bad as ever, but I was able to sleep almost 5 straight hours last night, so maybe that means improvement? Either way, these last few weeks were going to be miserable for me, so I'm out of self pity mode, and I'm just ready to have this baby. I had 2 contractions earlier today during the morning, but they went away. Just extra practice, I suppose!

Not much to say other than I have my 36 week appointment in 2 days, and I'm meeting with Christina, my doula, afterwards.

Oh yeah, and my veins make my hands look like I'm 90 years old or something. They're so big that I can't wear my wedding rings anymore. I have all 3 rings (my 2 and Simon's) on a chain in my bathroom. The PUPP's is so bad on my neck though that I can't wear it. Soon enough!

And here's a picture of Noah and I.

It's SOOOO WEIRD to think there's a baby in there, and then I watch his foot push against my stomach, and I believe it. My favorite is when I know it's his hand pushing against mine, and I kind of hold around it, so it's like we're holding hands. I still don't feel like he'll ever come out, but I'm so excited for when he does.

And on my bad days, I like to imagine Noah and I greeting Simon when he comes home. I know everyone says that your child's birthday is the best day of your life, but I think this will trump that tenfold.

:)

 Kristin

For me, myself, and I

This post is solely for myself, and for any girl that kind of wants to get pregnant but wants someone to talk her out of it at the same time. Even the easiest of pregnancies are susceptible to a variety of rare issues and complications.

The reason I feel the need to write this is because I'm experiencing so many new things with my body that I want to be able to know when it happened and compare it to when I deliver, and then maybe next time I'll be able to predict when I'm delivering a little better. Yes, I know every pregnancy is different, but maybe there will be some similarities.

• I pee about 30 times a day, and go through a roll of toilet paper EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
• Back pain began at about 20 weeks.
• Joint pain in my hips began at 25 weeks.
• Braxton Hicks contractions began at about 25 weeks, as well.
• Sometime in the 2nd half of my 2nd trimester, I began having breathing problems and heart palpitations in the mornings about every other day.

That was it, for a while. Then 32 weeks happened.

At 32 1/2 weeks, I got stretch marks on my stomach. A few days later, I had a rash break out on my stretch marks. Its called PUPPP. It only happens to 1/2% of pregnant women, and 70% of whom are first time mothers carrying baby boys or multiples. It is incredibly itchy, and although I tried to prevent stretch marks every day with stretch mark cream, I no longer cared and HAD to scratch. A few days after that, it started to spread. In about a weeks time, it covered my hands, my forearms and elbows, the backs of my thighs, and my ankles. I tried EVERYTHING. I tried Hydrocortisone cream, baby oil, diaper rash cream, regular lotion, calming lotion, scrubs, you name it. Then I ordered Grandpa's Pine Tar Soap from GNC. People swear by this, and I just got it in the mail today. This is the worst smelling soap ever, but I will be bathing with it at least once a day, and it hopefully will help. I have an appointment on Thursday, so if it doesn't, maybe my doctor can help.

Enough about that.

• At 33 weeks, I noticed I lost 3 lbs. I think that has to do with Simon leaving, though.
• At 34 weeks, I began having "period" like cramps a few times a day, one day a week or so.
• Today (35 wks 1 day) I noticed stretch marks on my chest. They're growing againnnnn.
• My back pain has evolved into an all consuming pain about one day a week over the last couple weeks.
• I may or may not be nesting. I'd like to call it being responsible and wanting to be prepared for when the baby and my mom come.
• Dizziness, nausea, and general weakness have occurred randomly throughout.

Almost nothing about pregnancy is fun. However, I try to focus on good things even when I'm completely miserable. Sometimes I enjoy his kicking (when its not in my ribs or bladder), and I like organizing his room and buying him things. I don't buy anything he wouldn't use, so I bought him 2 newborn sized pajamas at Target yesterday, and it has kept me happy ever since.

I like to think about my diet and workout plan for after the birth, too. Knowing that I can more or less undo what has been done (with a TON of effort, of course), keeps my spirits up.

With that said, I think I only have about 3 weeks to go until I deliver. My mother and my sister both gave birth early, and my baby is large enough that I'm sure he's already over 5 lbs. We'll see!

That's all for now.
<3 Kristin

Edit 4/23: The Pine tar soap did NOT work, and neither does Benadryl, cortisone cream, numbing cream, or pain relieving spray. The only thing that works for about a few minutes at a time is drenching myself in Witch Hazel. The last thing that I haven't tried is topical steroids, which I am inquiring about at my next appointment.

The Deployment

My last few posts seem a bit contrived to me, because I haven't been able to talk about what's actually been happening inside my head. Now that everyone is settled in, here we go:

Simon left for Afghanistan a while ago for a very difficult deployment. They're training their military so that foreign troops can get out of there "soon". I find comfort in the fact that he's doing something incredibly important, which almost legitimizes him missing Noah's birth, as well as the first few months of his life. Almost.

I just want him home, though. Everything feels empty, and nothing feels right. But maybe he's saved another couple from having to go through this sort of thing by going himself. The bright side is that we've had communication almost every single day, if not every day, since he's left. But what I wouldn't give to spend just a minute sitting on the couch, on Pinterest, while watching him play videogames.

Simon, I'm so proud of you for everything you've done and for everything that you are. I respect you deeply, love you madly, and miss you more than I can even feel.

<3 Kristin

"He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
-Emily Bronte

Finding support

Just some facts:

I have no idea who will be with me during birth.

I want as natural a birth as possible without posing a risk to my baby or serious injury to myself.

I know that having a strong supporter during the labor process increases your ability to have a natural birth.

So I started researching doulas a few months ago. It began from learning about a program called Operation Special Delivery, where doulas volunteer themselves to pregnant women who give birth while their husband is deployed. This was mostly a dead end. I was matched up with someone that lives in Illinois. I moved on.

Then I met a girl who had recently used the service, so she gave me contact information for her doula. I then contacted her, and we met up for coffee today to discuss the whole process. Turns out OSD is mostly for women who not only give birth when their husbands are deployed, but also cannot afford it. We can afford it, so I'm not going to put on a front just to try to weasel my way into it for free. Honestly, it's not even expensive. Every cent of it would be well worth it though, because my meeting could not have gone any better with her.

She had given me more information about the birthing process than I had managed to learn on my own in the last 6 months. She gave me information about delivering at the naval hospital that I would never have known. She's also well known at the hospital, has access to the best equipment to assist in the process, and knows every nurse and midwife that may be helping me during labor and delivery. Most importantly, she's been doing this for years, and only 1 woman has ever gotten a C-section, and only 2 women have ever gotten epidurals. Did I mention she can also drive me to the hospital? This woman is unbelievable.

There are so many pros to working with this woman that I can't even remember everything that I'm thinking. I'm actually looking forward to the whole process, which is something that I couldn't say before. Noah will be the luckiest baby in the world with this woman on our side.

Couponing, Recipes, and Daycare

It's only been a few days, but I owe myself a 32 week picture. If I don't do it now, it's not going to happen!

This weekend, I assembled all of the coupons that I had received, printed some extras off at Target.com, and took a little shopping trip. We have almost everything we need for Noah now, except for things that might be nice to have, but maybe not completely necessary. I learned a lot about buying diapers, too! I'm not stocking up too much until I learn the exact brand I want to use, because I know that some babies don't take easy to some of them. I bought 3 different brands, so hopefully he likes the Up&Up ones, but we'll see!

I've also decided to maybe start cooking, even though its just for me. I hate just nibbling on small things all day long, so I figure if I cook a normal size dinner, it'll provide me with hopefully 3 meals. Thank god for Tupperware! I made stuffed bell peppers and baked asparagus for dinner (ate all of the asparagus!), and I have oatmeal lemon bars in the oven right now. They'll be good for dessert and breakfast, so I'm glad I'm making a whole pan worth. They'll probably be gone by the weekend.

Lastly, I got information for 3 separate daycares in the area for when I go back to work. The prices are $153, $159, and $160 a week, so there's not really a difference there whatsoever. The teacher to child ratio is 1:5 for all 3, which sucks, but if I have no option, I guess it doesn't really matter. However, the two "most" expensive ones were incredibly nice to me on the phone, whereas the cheapest one had someone very unpleasant answer the phone. They were the only daycare that did not have a wait list, but I'm going to take that as a bad sign. The one that is $159 is located only 4 minutes from my home. It will be most convenient for when Simon is home and may have to pick up Noah from daycare. The other one is located right behind my work, but its a much longer drive for Simon. I need to look at both though to assess which one is my favorite. If its a close call, we'll go with the one close to our home.

That's all for now!

<3 Kristin