Apprehension

This is an entirely different type of post. Enjoy.

Also, before you read, know that I completely understand that the second I have Noah, all of my feelings may change.

Having a baby was obviously not a decision we took lightly. There are still things that I want to do that I thought would come before having a child, because society states that they need to be done prior to starting a family. In the end, I realized that's not true at all. I want to go back to school, I want to travel with Simon, and I want to just always be willing to try new things. There's no reason this can't be done with a child. Once I realized that, I came to understand that having a child would not "end" me, Simon, or our life together.

I didn't want to have a kid just to have a kid. I wanted to have a child with Simon, plain and simple, to embark on this incredible journey with an incredible person. When I look at my tummy, I don't think about how cute he is, or how much I'm going to love him (I know I will. Don't worry.) I think about how I am carrying an extension of my husband and I. Half of this person's DNA is my husband. That is more miraculous than just his little body and his little lips and his little hands.

 

"Don't marry a man unless you would be

proud to have a son exactly like him."

This sticks with me so much. I consider myself extremely lucky that I truly want Noah to be like Simon in every single way possible. I don't think a lot of women share my sentiment regarding their children's fathers. Maybe I'm crazy, though.

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Alright so that's the first half. The second half is about how truly terrified I am to be taking on the biggest responsibility of my life.

I don't think I'll be The World's Best Mom. Women will not look at me and think, "How does she do it?" Not because it's completely unattainable, but because I have no interest in giving up everything about me for my children. I think the most effective parents are parents that still take time for themselves as well. What do we teach our children when we let our bodies go, stop doing things for ourselves, and give up every ounce of our soul? That it's ok, but I don't think it is. I'm not saying I'm not going to take care of my children, but I have every intention of working, going to the gym, and buying clothes for myself. I can't believe that some women stop buying clothes for themselves.

Therefore, I'm scared. I'm absolutely terrified to be a mom. I am not the "mom" type, but I am loving, caring and would do anything for the well-being of my child, just as I would be for any member of my family. Did you know some women try to speed up the onset of labor? I'm so excited to give birth, but I can't imagine wanting to purposefully get myself closer to it. It's going to happen in the next few weeks anyways, and it's so easy to just take care of him while he's inside of me. I've never taken care of a newborn, so I'm terrified that I'm not going to do it very well. What if he gets diaper rash, or he can't latch correctly, or he gets an upset stomach? I want him to be full and happy and healthy every day of his life, but that doesn't happen for anyone.

Or what about crawling, walking, and talking? What if I'm a horrible teacher? And what happens when he starts evolving into a young man? How do you teach someone the difference between what's right and wrong, or what's right and what's easy? How do you become the adult that they know they should listen to? Do you just try to set a good example and hope for the best? That's too big of a responsibility to rely on hope alone. This is a human being. I have created a human that I need to raise to become the best human possible. It's too much to think about all at once.

I've rambled long enough, so let's just take it day by day. <3